theres a build up. i swear i can feel it. from the tips of the hair, into the roots, under the skin. it feels more necessary than my next breathe, i need to let this out.

its gathering energy and coalescing. tightening the muscles, pulling bones into its direction.

my mind can do nothing to fight it, just plan what to do after. i can see it happening from just outside of me.

my jaw unclenched, fist balled, eyes open and only slightly aware. its coming!

deep breathe…
and scream.
and yell.
and cry.


moving on…

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new years resolutions (rough draft)

ive hammered out a few things that i have to do and achieve through out 2010. a choice few that will (hopefully) better my life and help round me out.

first, i MUST cook more. nothing big at first, but i should cook something myself at least once per week.

secondly, i NEED to lose at least 75 pounds. for health and sexy reason, this should be done.

third, take up a martial art again.

there should be more, i just havent thought that far ahead yet.

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i cant believe in death as the end. i want to have that ripple effect. i want to have notoriety. i want to have more than my surname carried forward. my only real fear is the possibility that everything ive done doesn’t matter.

i dont know if i want a statue. i know i dont want people to cry at my funeral. i want them to remember that ive celebrated my life and those involved in it. every day that that blasted sun rises and i can curse at it is a good day. every night that i watch it set and let the body of this earth cool begings a blessed respite.

heaven or hell can be the innumerable minutes that your mind is in a dying husk of a body. that your ineffectual, that you are dependant on other peoples emotions from a loss of your own.

moving on…

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story writing on FB

me and my friends sometimes start talking and making things up as we go. This is how out last one went.


me - Sgt Souza! I’ve heard stories of your demise. One said that you and your thirty man raiding party destroyed a whole battallion and wore the rags of your enemies to defeat the rest. Tell me your tales why you are the lone survivor.

sgt. souza - every where i go men buy me drinks because of that night, Katey asked me about it once and i was drunk enough to answer, They had been hitting us with mortar rounds for hours straight and we had run out of ammo, i think they smelled blood, I drew my side and counted the bullets enough for my men if they had to, The first wave came over the trench … Read Morewall and we fought it off with E- tools and k-bars i lost ten men in that charge, we took the cloths from them and put them on and rubbed soil on our faces, we climbed out of the trench carrying our own dead screaming victory,
I put Torres in my uniform so it looked like they took an officer, We got back to the enemy postion and turned on them using the Ak47s we took from the first wave, Stevenson, Myers, and Delani died there we killed another five of the insurgents, but now they knew and we had no munitions to fight them off with, i had no choice I called the air strike on my position, I still hear the sound of those birds in my dreams

I can still smell the sulfur and the burning flesh, I blacked out at that point I awoke in the early hours of the morning naked the damn towel heads took me and my mens cloths off us, I could hear one breathing so I climbed up over the burnt corpses of my unit and came up behind him I pulled his legs out from under him while covering his mouth … Read Moreafter he was pinned down I broke his neck and took back Jimmys K-bar Every cell in my body wanted blood I remember the satisfying sound of the snap of that bastards neck I spent the rest of the night sliding in and out of shadows naked killing them in silence, I finally came on the commander of the insurgents, The knife slide into his back at the base of his spine and I twisted, he fell to the ground

With a thud and began screaming in agony, I stood over his body the head of one of his men in my hand, I held it out before me so he would know the terror me and my men felt in those last seconds, I could feel the blood drying on my body as the night air sent hot chills over my burned body, I hit him with the head and began pounding with my fists, … Read MoreI pounded until the sand was like crimson mud with broken lumps of bone in a soup, I wandered off into the sands then, I don’t know how long it was before they found me, I was still naked and cover in blood and dirt my burns where infected, some greasy strands of black hair still clutched in my hand, they never found the bodies of my men or the insurgents…….

me - the smell is what gets you. the smell is what brings you back. remember how we couldn’t eat anything cooked or too bloody for days afterwards. our bodies were more sick of what we had done than our minds. Inside our minds, we made peace. It was us or them. Inside our minds was the last safe refuge. And for some, thats where your cowardice will … Read Morebring you and leave you to fester.

I remember staring at the grill and hearing the sizzling of the coals and the meat. The temperature and acuteness of the sun seemed to have risen. my throat parched and the glass that I had emptied into it could not sake it.

I remember thinking about Jon Jon. remember him? He was the unlucky dick who we had to piss on to put out the napalm. unlucky should have been his name. you can live down being pissed on, but those burns and scars did more to him than anything else.

I’ve never visited the stitch, or the surgeons, they make me feel like the worst that I’ve seen would be the brighter side of their days. But, I went to pay jon jon a visit. I didn’t know him too well, but he’s lived long enough with us to have made an impact on my own well being.

They have the clearest patch of land, and their tent is the entance… Read More to the maws of hell itself. I can’t begin to tell you what I’ve seen. The instruments, the people, the shaking the screaming the…

So, I went to see where they’ve placed out boy. From what one of the nurses say, he’s not in immediate danger, so they stowed him aside. Into a nice little corner where he can whimper from the pains of the constant burning. All I can do is stare. And not into his eyes. his eyes had hate in them. hate towards life, and feeling and everything around him. why, if it wasn’t for the restraints, he might’ve done something serious. Worst thing, I don’t fear for him, I fear for those around him. They don’t understand.

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a little bit more class

last night we celebrated my buddies 21st birthday like all men should, at a strip club.

The clubs in boston are trash. and, because your trappend in a hot ass room with half naked people, you have to drink. the mixed drinks are watered down and the beers are priced higher than hand jobs. dont get me wrong, if your not bpb’n (brown paper bag) drinks are ruthlessly expensive .

me and my buds gave up on that and thought of going to the one in rhode island instead. hopefully a better trap.

when we get there, the conversation that comes to for thought is the ratio of class to seedyness for a strip club. i want to know what your ratio would be if there were five parts to this mix. mine is 2 part seedy 3 parts class.

moving on…

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i think im getting to the point of oversaturation. I’m full and overflowing and tired.

somewhere deep down something tells me that this is when i should really buckle down and step my game up. but i dont think i have anything left to give. i put it all out everyday, and i dont really expect more than what i give.

actually, i dont expect anything. i think im lucky enough to be alive, expecting anymore is greedy.

moving on…

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what an interesting weekend. i started out with a mohawk at a friends birthday party and bald at the end of it. by the grace of god, the weather was good, and may still be into the week.

i hope anyone reading this gets a chance to relax and enjoy the mundane. give your sons head an extra pat, kiss your daughters on both cheeks. squeeze a lovers hand. keep it simple, keep it light, enjoy.

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The realest thing that I’ve heard from my boys happened tonight.

“Shut the fuck up and love yourself.”

Now, to paint the picture…4 dudes in 2 girls. All good friends having a great time just enjoyin eachothers company in the van. One of us has just run into some hard times and the other is having her birthday. Hard times are hard to see through because life continues all around you.

I don’t know how to end this, but remember it. Use it.

moving on…

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[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

The Classic Crime
God And Drugs

I scrape the glass for crumbs and ask the mirror for some truth.
I loaded my body with chemicals, it was no use.
Cause retribution’s coming for the years of this abuse,
And I can’t get away and still I can’t get close enough to You.

You won’t go away,
But every hit is just a taste.
Something scares me in this place.
I self destruct for days.

It’s a constant reminder of what I can and cannot have.
The smell, the taste, it’s all just fake, the truth is what I lack.
So I will keep on running and keep my head above the ground,
And I will look for you in places you cannot be found.

You won’t go away,
But every hit is just a taste
Something scares me in this place.
I self destruct for days.
You won’t go away,
But every hit is just a taste
Of all the things I need to face.
But it’s all so fake.

“It’s okay,” a voice says, “We all look elsewhere.”
It’s true, that I look elsewhere, for you.

You won’t go away.

You won’t go away,
But every hit is just a taste
Something scares me in this place.
I self destruct for days.
You won’t go away,
But every hit is just a taste
Of all the things I need to face.
But it’s all so fake.

You won’t go away,
But every hit is a taste
You won’t go away,
Still I’ve been gone for days!

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